Old man down the road

 

Tell me that's not a cool image. It is inspired by John Fogerty's solo song "Old Man Down the Road." John Fogerty was part of Creedence Clearwater in case you live under a rock. Love the song and the guitar riffs. It's swamp rock. It's something I had never heard of until ChatGPT helped me out.

That led to this image. Love that he is playing the blues sitting in a swamp. You can almost hear the guitar.

I was all over the map today with design ideas. Like this one.

It started with the concept of just a t-shirt with egg all over it like you had been egged (which is apparently where the term "egging me on" comes from). Art AI threw in this great face with egg on it. Got to love it. 

I thought it was eggstra special. 

Believe you can fry

 

Just add some fairy dust and a little oil, and you can fry, too. 

I just hope the Disney thought police don't try to quash this design because they somehow own the trademark to Peter and Pan. If they do say that I'll say nuts to them.

I think the nut on this design looks a bit like Howard Hesseman (he played Dr. Johnny Fever on the the sitcom "WKRP in Cincinnati" in the late 70s early 80s. Hessman also had a small role in the cult film Billy Jack. He died last year. He may or may not have shown people his nuts.

Again I have evoked the woke gods and used the term nuts to imply someone is crazy (or encourage them to show their testicles)  It is the joy of creating t-shirt designs and writing on a personal blog. Not enough people see them to be offended. And if they are offended, I don't give a shit.

I was inspired today by random cliches that a former work colleague of mine used to utter quite frequently.

I think they all make pretty nice t-shirt designs that will have most people scratching their heads. But they make me proud to be a dad and a purveyor of obscure puns.

Nuts to you, too.

Yes, me worry

 

I am not sure who remembers Alfred E. Neuman and his famous "What me worry?" line from Mad Magazine. He always had this optimistic dumb grin on his face (which looked suspiciously like Howdy Doody). I decided to picture Alfred E. Neuman in the current environment looking worried.

It's a niche design I know. But I think I am going to corner the market on obscure designs that few get or remember the references who are still alive.

I was a bit less profound with designs today. Partially it was a nice day and I took a break to mow my lawn.  But I still managed a few including this one which I really hope doesn't set off the fringe nut jobs.

I suppose it can be interpreted a few different ways. But it has an American flag on it so it should appeal to some out there. If someone calls me on it, I can just pretend to be French and laugh a guttural laugh while scrunchin gup my face. 

Then I will just say, "Pardon my French," and walk away.

Small talk, little brain

 

I remember posting years ago about how much I despise small talk. I especially don't like small talk that is supposed to be funny. Like last weekend I mowed my front lawn and was about to put my lawnmower away in my garage. I had ear buds in and was listening to music but I heard someone shouting at me. I pulled an ear bud out and heard my neighbor shouting, "Don't put it away yet, you still have to mow my lawn."

I smiled politely and muttered something about leaving it out so he could do it. But I was picturing him on the Plague Chiropractor's rack being realigned for uttering stupid small talk gibberish and trying to be funny. I was grateful I wasn't holding a bouquet of flowers or he would have screamed something about, "Are those for me, you shouldn't have."

I've discovered creating t-shirt designs that express my pet peeves are very cathartic if not profitable. 

I did manage to crank out 14 new designs today and increase my inventory to more than 500. I was able to express myself several times. For example, I don't like vegans.

And although it didn't start out to be a dump on Trump design, I did manage to create a zinger for the man based on the movie Sunset Boulevard with Gloria Swanson.

It does capture the essence of the man.

In-a-gadda-da-vida

 

I have to admit that until tonight, I never knew the song "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" by Iron Butterfly was supposed to be "In the Garden of Eden" but lead vocalist Doug Ingle was so drunk when they rehearsed it all that came out was "Inagaddadavida." The band actually like that better than the original lyric and it became the title of the son and the album released in 1968 (when I was 10 btw). 

I thought this design was a fitting tribute to that song. Though for the life of me I can't remember any of the other lyrics other than "Inagaddadavida."

I was all over the map with designs today. I started with Puss in Sneakers.

Then I threw in a little Lawn and Order.

And I got a bit dark with Plague Chiropractor.

This was the least disturbing of the images Art AI spit out for Plague Chiropractor. It went a bit medieval on the designs and had some serious torturing going on (which is what I assume modern chiropractors do, too).

To compensate, I got a bit simplistic.

Watch, this one will sell like hotcakes. 

Or peppers.

Step aside slender man

 

The Internet conjures up more bogeymen then we could ever imagine as kids. The Slender Man is one of them. He is that tall, think, shadowy figure lurking in the edge of darkness. Like the bogeyman and the thing under our beds as kids, he abducts kids. 

So I created the Portly Man. He doesn't work out as much as Slender Man and looks a bit like Uncle Fester from the Adams Family. Somehow I find him creepier than the Slender Man. He gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Though I doubt too many people under 50 have heard of the phrase "gives me the Heebie-Jeebies." It means to give someone a sense of unease or creepiness.  It's little wonder most younger people haven't heard of it. It apparently originated in a comic strip called Barney Google that debuted in 1919. And it had nothing to do with Google the search engine.  I only knew about Barney Google because my grandmother had a gramophone and a record called Barney Google with the Goo-goo Googly Eyes. The song kind of gave me the heebie-jeebies when I was a kid.

And speaking of the Roaring Twenties, I came up with this idea randomly tonight that I really like.

Ironically, I never read the Great Gatsby or had any desire to sit through any of the movie adaptations. There were five beginning in 1925. I was only aware of the 1974 version with Robert Redford and the 2013 version with Leonardo DiCaprio. 

None of the movies starred cats. Go figure. I bet if they had the movies would have been the cat's meow.

I'm really not as old as all of this makes me sound.

The glass is half empty

 

I would say I'm more of a pessimist than an optimist. I do throw up tiny little bit when someone says something in an artificial sweetener kind of way.  I don't think you always have to look for the brighter side of a situation. Sometimes it just sucks. 

I do think saying the the half empty glass is filthy and acknowledging that someone drank out of it is being more pragmatic. You wouldn't have seen too many people drinking out of half empty or half full glasses during the height of the pandemic. 

In all fairness to me, one of my favorite philosophers, Lao Tzu, was pretty practical, too.

I'm not sure practical sells t-shirts if you know what I mean. But I try to cater (or pander) to a variety of interests. Not everyone appreciates puns and dad jokes. 

It sticks, I know.

Where the heart is

 

I know it is dark humor. Maybe not as dark as the mime getting his mouth sewn shut, but in the same ballpark. I'm thinking I could create another version of this for Valentines Day next year with the headline, "I give you my heart." 

Seriously who would buy that?

Okay I probably would, but I don't think it would be a good idea to give it to your Valentine (unless you are one of those people who choose Valentines Day to break up).

Note to self: Come up with a series of break up designs. Why text someone when you could send them a t-shirt?

I tell you these are million dollar ideas I'm coming up with. 

Though I still struggle a bit with Art AI. This morning I wanted it to create a Don Quixote design with the headline "They might be giants." I wanted him to show Don Quixote on his broken down horse charging a windmill that looked a bit like a giant. First Art AI puts Don Quixote on this magnificent horse and makes him a young man in a nice, stylish set of armor. I tried getting very specific and told Art AI to make Don Quixote in his mid 60s with gray hair and a beard and put him in armor that you'd see in the early 1600s. It gives me the Don Quixote with gray hair and a beard, but still puts him on a nice looking horse and shiny armor. It also give him sword. And it has Don Quixote running away from the windmill (which looks nothing like a giant BTW). 

I finally gave up. Maybe it was because there was no corny Dad joke pun involved and Art AI didn't know how to handle it. After all, I did a whole series on sandwiches.

Art AI came up with the islands of ketchup and mustard on its own, too. I thought that was a nice touch for a disembodied designer who can't deliver a decent image of Don Quixote. 

It nailed my request for a pen pal design.

I thought that was spot on for income tax day. 

It was write on.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Who you calling a pig, man?

 

I saw Cheech and Chong's movie Up in Smoke in 1978. I'm pretty sure I saw it at a drive-in theater. It was a classic. And it was hilarious. Or at least it seemed hilarious at the time (and no I wasn't smoking).  I imagine it would seem dated and not real relevant any more, especially since weed is legal in so many states now.

Still, it makes a classic t-shirt design. Art AI added the joint. I didn't ask it to. Sometimes it is very intuitive. Other times it is dense as hell. For example, I asked it for a picture of a beaver with the headline GIVE A DAM. It gives me a cartoon beaver that was okay.

But I wanted to see something a little more realistic. Then it give me this.

I mean, damn, the beaver looks like a friggin' vampire. And the more I tried to clarify, the freakier the beaver images it would give. They looked like feral wolves had mated with a beaver. But none had beaver teeth. I'm not sure why that was a stretch.

It's like when I asked for a freaking out panda bear.

At first it just gave me ones that looked like Kung Fu Panda. Then it gave me this one, but at first it had six toes on it's front paws and no claws and four toes on it's hind paws and claws. So I had to fix it with Photoshop because I was pretty sure some panda purist would give me shit because the panda looked like it came from Chernobyl.

Still, I like the result. That is one freaked out looking panda.

I was thinking that I am probably spending way too much time talking about my designs. But it has become a passion with me. I tend to get obsessive about these things. And in theory if someone goes to the teepublic.com storefront and an is curious about where I come up with these things they would come here. 

I don't want to disappoint. You'll just have to bear with me.

Dunce more unto the breach

 

After Disney crapped all over my "Dunce upon a time" design, I couldn't quite let go of the dunce theme. I have never taken kindly to injustices in my life (which is a big reason I despise Trump and his MAGA monkeys). So there is poetic justice and irony rampant in this design playing off Henry V's line from Henry V, Act III, Scene I, "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; Or close the wall up with our English dead!"

The irony is that I'm trying yet again to use this dunce pun and irony in that all of the dunces are running away from the castle they are supposed to be storming. That was Art AI's humor or error. 

I've always thought there was a certain folly in rushing into a situation because a leader rallys you and thinking that is courage versus thinking it through and wondering if this is worth dying for. As General George Patton pointed out "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."

I also popped this one out about King Arthur and the book The Once and Future King. If only the well read suddenly had a penchant for buying t-shirts.

I am sure if some of my British friends wandered into my design storefront they would be sniggering drolly about the humor of a moron pulling Excalibur out of a stone by mistake and becoming King of England. There somehow seems to be more credibility in it than how the English monarchy is chosen today.

I will end with some dark humor I slipped into my shop today.

There is something darkly compelling (and satisfying) about this design.  Disturbing as it is, it makes a statement.

I've never been able to hide my distaste for mimes and clowns.

It was the best of Charles, and the worst of Charles

 

I had to work like the Dickens to get this image. "Cute as the Dickens" is an odd phrase. ChatGPT says it is likely in reference to Charles Dickens because of the cute and charming characters (like Ebenezer Scrooge) he created. It can't be that Dickens himself was cute. Because if you look at any of the photos or portraits of the man cute does not come to mind. The man was beat with the proverbial ugly stick.

But sometimes something can be so ugly it is cute. I tell myself that a lot.

On another note, I had another design removed from teepublic.com because it offended the intellectual property gods.

The Disney Corporation took offense to the design. I assumed at first because Cinderella looked like their stereotypical Disney princess. But I did a Google search and apparently the own the trademark for "Once upon a time." And "Dunce upon a time" is too close for their corporate comfort. This is an example of where if I was a wealthy lawyer (or Donald Trump) I would challenge them. First how can you own "Once upon a time." Second my design is "Dunce upon a time." You didn't trademark that one I bet. And if it is because of the blonde Cinderella in a blue dress, I would suggest you can't own a trademark on all of the blonde princess looking women in the world wearing a blue dress.

Pisses me off that this is even an issue. Its not like i sold a sitcom pilot for "Dunce upon a time." And it isn't like they are stocking "Dunce upon a time" t-shirts at the Disney Store.  Don't deny me the opportunity to get me $2 royalty (irony intended) for selling the shirt.

Speaking of selling a shirt I thought would never be purchased by anyone but me (and I haven't even bought one), a friend of mine who actually reads my blog (and rides the bus) bought one of my Dizgraceland Record Company t-shirts and posted a photo of him wearing it on my Facebook page. 

I was touched. I may even have to buy one myself now.

What keeps me awake at night?

 

For whatever reason the Brothers Grimm popped into my head at about 2 a.m. First I thought it would be funny to have an image of them trying to smile for a portrait and they still looked grim. But then I thought of them trying to be farmers so they would be Grimm reapers. I tried having Art AI make the image look like the American Gothic painting of the farmer with a pitchfork standing next to who I thought was his wife. But ChatGPT informed me it was the man's daughter in the painting.

I just learn something new everyday.

But Art AI apparently can't imagine crossdressing purveyors of fair tales so it gave me the above design. I thought it was pretty cool and went with it. 

Later, I tried to do something with a Grimm family portrait. At first I just wanted a design with the brothers and their wives and families (each had four kids). Art AI spit out some moody looking images, but they didn't quite cut it. Then I thought it would be interesting to have the brothers posing with family members but those family members would be characters from their fairy tales. I got several that had some images that I liked and I pieced them together with the real faces of the brothers.

I really like the way it turned out. Still the designs are a bit cerebral and I'm thinking they might sell well in someplace like Half Price books. 

I also had this idea in the wee hours for a Rapture Airline where Jesus was the pilot. It was loosely based on this guy who used to push a shopping cart around the campus when I went to Boise State University many years ago. He was always shouting out shit about Jesus and God. And he had a sign on his shopping cart that read, JESUS IS MY PILOT. It stuck with me.

I'm afraid this one will either offend or inspire depending upon whether the person is Christian and smart enough to know I'm making fun of them or Christian and too stupid to know I'm making fun of them. Of course Art AI chose the typical racist white Jesus that most white Christians seem to think Jesus looked like. I think this one looks kind of like a young Michael Palin from Monty Python.

And since I was already offending people I came up with this one this evening.

I thought the bear turned out pretty Catholic looking, but I gave up trying to have Art AI show the Pope shitting in the woods. Remember I figured out that Art AI doesn't depict bodily functions. But for whatever reason it had no problem spelling shit. Go figure.

Quick digression as a follow up to my discussion of trying to flip stuff I find cheap at Goodwill on eBay. I was joking about the ashtray I found from a a 1930s era cruise ship and wondering if it would sell even if it had a chip in it. I'll be damned if it didn't sell this afternoon.

I think the Pope does shit in the woods.