Saturday, October 13, 2007

Hound of Hell

As a new father, I have been exposed to a lot of new experiences. But no one warned me about the danger of possessed toys.

EM has tons of toys already. Every morning we pull them out of their boxes and she moves from one to another at a rate of about one per every 30 seconds. Every evening, I stuff the toys back into bins. Most of them are benign and go without a fight. But one, the Learning Puppy, will not die.

It seems pleasant enough. EM loves to hug the thing and it sings random songs for her. During the course of a day it begins singing Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes; Wheels on the bus; the Alphabet Song (and a few I don't recognize) about a hundred of times. The trouble is that it never seems to finish a frickin' song. Sure, it may have an over sensitive sensor or on/off switch that EM keeps triggering that prevents it from finishing a song. But I really think it does it to mess with my head.

And sometimes it just blurts out things when no one is near. I can't tell you how many times it screams out, "Hug me," in it's whiny, dysfunctional voice that appeals to me as much as shaving with a cheese grater. And when I toss the thing in the toy bin at night it says, "Night, night." How does it know? Then as I walk away it screams, "Hug me!" It's like having Glenn Close in the house reprising Fatal Attraction over and over.

If EM didn't love this thing so much, I'd have it buried out on the desert in a heartbeat. But something tells me that even then I'd wake up because of a scratching sound on the door and a voice whining, "Let's sing and play games....HUG ME!"

Die Devil Dog, die!


Isabella said...

Well wait til some vengeful relative gives EM something really noisy for a drums. My daughters have been given many things over the years that I have longed for them to tire of so they could "accidentally" be lost.

Btw that new masthead is very sinister. It's ok I won't dare ask for a hug. It's ok I'm leaving now.

Time said...

Oh she has drums, an Elmos Guitar and a singing frog. But the Devil Dog is the worst.

The masthead is just a recycled one in honor of Halloween. No need to be afraid...ha, ha, ha, ha....

Anonymous said...

Father Tim,

I hope you can excuse my absence from the perilous billows of blogspace. I’ve been away. That’s where they place people like me in order to maintain some sense of normalcy and clothing standard in the real world.

I want to congratulate you on your grand journey into the mystical world of fatherhood. Enya-Maria is quite the beautiful baby and I wish you and Tess much joy with her. She is very fortunate to have been brought into such a beautiful home. You will no doubt be awesome parents.

Best Wishes,

Time said...

Thank you! I've missed you but knew that you were out there doing what you had to do to keep the world safe.

Take care my friend,

Naughti Biscotti said...

I'll definately erase this one from my daughter's wish list. She didn't really have a lot of talking toys. It's the messy toys I don't like; playdough and magic markers. Or... LEGGOS!!! Damn I hate having those little frick'n pieces imbedded in the soles of my feet at 2 am.


Anonymous said...

Ugh, your possessed dog is like that Furbie thing my youngest daughter had as a kid. It was always giggling and blinking its eyes. We found it in a box last month when we were packing up the house and as soon as she touched it it opened those creepy bug eyes and giggled. Straight to the dumpster with that one.

Time said...

I would have erased it from my daughter's list except she had one in Guatemala that she loved. He is right up there with Grover. At least Grover doesn't talk. I'm actually looking forward to Playdough so I can play with it. We've got a bigger version of blocks that are like leggos, but EM only likes to knock them down after I've built something.

You killed a Furbie? Cool! I'm just glad Teddy Ruxpin (the storytelling teddy bear) no longer is on the market. I remember walking through Costco and there would be one on display talking in tongues anytime someone passed him. Freaked me out.

R. said...

It's kind of cool how very simple microcontrollers and sensors can be used to make toys interactive.

There's probably a light sensor in the eyes and a microphone. When it detects darkness it says good night. The microphone picking up your movements may cause it to plead for attention.

Time said...

Oh you can try to explain it away with technology, but you'll find out soon enough. There are dark forces at work in these toys. You've been warned.

JP (mom) said...

Oh Tim,

This is the first of many annoying toys that will drive you to the brink of madness!!

Sending you strength.


Karen said...

Hi Tim, I have a little something for you over at my blog :)

Hayden said...

there is something way too creepy about talking toys. they should all be killed.

Time said...

I didn't really have far to drive :)

Thanks again for the honor.

I can't reply because the Learning Puppy is watching :(