Self-Introspectism

 

I was thinking this morning when I woke up about the difference between self-awareness, introspection and narcissism. Because I think over the years I've struggled with all of them. And I do think you can spend too much time thinking about yourself. Plus I think we...or I...think other people think about or judge me more than they do. Most of the time I truly do feel invisible.

I asked ChatGPT (who is better at these type of answers than identifying authentic items you want to buy on eBay...long story). It said self-awareness is the ability to objectively recognize and understand your own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and how they affect others. Introspection is the process of examining your own thoughts, feelings, and motives — often in search of meaning or self-understanding. And narcissism is Donald Trump.  No, that was my answer. ChatGPT said narcissism is a personality style (or disorder, when extreme) characterized by inflated self-importance, lack of empathy, and a strong need for admiration. 

So, Donald Trump.

Again, I think I've dabbled in all of them over the years. As I get older and older I feel like I'm coming to terms with some of my self-reflection. I truly do try to be self-aware and not annoying. That hasn't always been the case. Now I try desperately not to joke all of the time because I think that will make people think I'm clever.

It has never seemed to work.

I try not to repeat myself, but frankly, as you get older your memory isn't what it used to be. Or at least the short term memory isn't what it used to be. So I know I end up repeating stories. God knows I've done it in my blog for years.

As for introspection, I do more of that now. I've always focused on my flaws, though. I've tried focusing on my strengths but since I've generally thought my strengths were creativity, humor, empathy, intuitiveness and gentleness, I'm coming to terms with doubts about those strengths as being real. 

And sometimes introspection and self-awareness is very much like chasing your tail. Even writing this blog post about them seems a little narcissistic if I think there are people...especially strangers (which most people are these days) who really give a shit about what I think about myself.

Not to be morbid, but there is something about being in your late 60s and realizing that you have maybe 20 years or so left to put things in perspective. I'm not going to be one of those people who people eulogize about when they are gone and pontificate about how I will be missed. I'm not likely to find new friends, be discovered, recognized or, let's face it, appreciated. I am who I am.