Wednesday, May 11, 2005

deluge Antifungal Foot Cream

Catchy title, eh? It's actually the subject line of a spam e-mail I received at work this morning offering me access to Viagra without a prescription.

Now being a marketing professional, I have to at first question the logic of a headline that simply reads "deluge Antifungal Foot Cream" when trying to get me to buy non-prescription Viagra. Appealing as "deluge Antifungal Foot Cream" sounds, I would never associate it with Viagra.

I mean, if I saw a bus go by with an ad on the side that read, "deluge Antifungal Foot Cream," I wouldn't immediately get an uncontrollable urge to buy non-prescription Viagra. I would more likely think about my feet or wonder if Rob Thomas had released a new CD.

Now before my nephew or other IT types e-mail me that this is just spammers ways of short circuiting spam blocking software, I'll admit that I had already kind of figured that out. But please. Even if it gets through the spam blockers and someone does read it, what kind of moron would respond to it. How can there be a single person left out there with access to a computer that doesn't know enough not to respond to spam? Oh, I forget...people do still use AOL.com, too.

Anyway, being a person who can't seem to simply delete endless spam without occasionally making an attempt to spam-inate them back, I've taken to using online "insult generators" to create appropriate nonsensical responses to their blathering subject lines. There are plenty of "insult generators" out there. Just Google. My favorite is the "Arabian-random-insult-generator." Here are some of the better insults from that generator to pass on to your favorite spammer (particularily the Nigerian lottery ones...they usually read their mail):

May one million dead late night talk show hosts flash Froot Loops in an evil parallel universe of your local Starbucks.

May 8 sad dead baboons use Taco Bell starving Gorditas as lubricant to get brains out of air fresheners while standing on your moistened dinner salad.

May a handful of aroused trolls tell "Yo Mamma's So Fat" jokes to air fresheners after consuming your delicious Waffle-chap stick.

May a megabyte of bi-sexual plumbers with butt-crack-itis dance the Macarana with cancerous growths after shoving glass shards into your huge willie.

May 1,024 evil people who use this arabian-random-insult-generator brutally beat Doogie Howser while having a bowel movement on your diseased eye socket.

May an imaginary number of bad tempered Enron executives give a little bit of a "How's your father" to weasels over your petrified Bud Light.

May many lice infested Oompa Loompas take a single dump on drawers of sliced meat after consuming your dog's pile of dirty underwear.

May 16 beer drinking Space Ghosts shout "I like to stick toe jam down my pants" to chex mix using only your moldy pontoon boat.

May one too many mutant Space Ghosts swing a Nerf Crotch-Bat at cigarettes while licking your ingrown sugar cane crops.

May an imaginary number of outrageously huge truck drivers plead the 5th to party poopers while getting it on with your crappy brass monkey.

May 7 funny Hare Krishnas wish they didn't catch the secret lover, Roseanne Barr virus from icecube trays above your silicone enhanced little yappy dog.

May 4 flaming Mormons swallow flaming urinal cakes while kicking your wart covered kazoo.

May 2 bulbous world leaders play Whack-A-genitals at the yellow carnival with Ronald McDonald underneath your hairy chicken head.

May 32 bloated world leaders develop the cure for cancer from diced coffee beans after shoving glass shards into your tongue.

May three bazillion nymphomaniac transvestites march in the "Support Mental Health. Or I'll kill you." parade with Meow Mix while polishing your under-appreciated swan.

May a gross of born-again Christian door to door salesmen sing the rap song "I like big hole" to toe jam while tinkering with your least favorite false teeth.

Okay, spammers, are you ready to rumble?

2 comments:

shandi said...

Hi Tim,
This was great. I'm going to have to use those. I checked out the website as well.
Also.....thanks for doing the "babelfish" thing on my french commentor. That was pretty damn funny.
Do you have more pics of you and Tess on your wedding day?

Tim ID said...

Hi Shandi,

As the French say, "It woz nuthing."

Here's a link to our Wedding Album (probably more photos than you really care to see).