Saturday, November 11, 2006

Milepost #500: Highway to hell

If I was a praying man, one of my nightly prayers would include "Please god, don't ever let me buy an RV." This prayer would be right up there with, "Please god, don't ever let me wear black socks and a Speedo on a public beach."

First, let me caveat this post with a disclaimer that if you own an RV or have a dream of owning an RV, I'm happy for you. Knock yourself out and enjoy those KOA Campgrounds and Walmarts across the country. My opinion about RV's, however, is that they are sure sign a bad combover and pastel jumpsuit are in your future. I don't feel like debating the merits of owning an RV, however, so comments telling me of the many benefits of RV ownership will be met with a series of sarcastic insults (not unlike many of my responses to opposing opinions).

I've never liked RV's. There is just something about getting stuck behind a convoy of RV's driven by sixty-somethings on a mountain pass that brings out the worst in me. When I used to drive from Seattle to Boise to visit my family, kept a running tally of the number of RV's I'd pass and flip off, screaming, "F***king Winnebago!"

My biggest problem with RV's is that they are driven by people who really shouldn't have driver's licenses in the first place. Face it. Most people who buy these dinosaurs on wheels are retirees. You pass them on the highway and these pissy looking old men stare at you through their coke bottle glasses. These puppies are the size of a semi-truck and they are being driven by geriatrics who can barely see over the wheel.

What makes the whole thing even scarier is that many of the RV's tow a trailer with their Hyundai on it so they have something to drive once they've beached the whale at some RV park in Barstow. This scares the bejesus out of me.

Most people will tell you how much money they are saving on hotels by traveling with an RV. Sure. Spend $200,000 on a traveling mobile home and tell me about all of the money you are saving. And since most of them are buying them after age 65, how many years can they really use them?

All I can say is that when I retire, I plan to travel too. But my idea of freedom is not driving a bus and sleeping on a bed that converts to a kitchen table. I'll stay in a hotel or I'll stay at home.
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