Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Small minds, small talk...

I was waiting for the train the other morning and I overheard a woman behind me greet an acquaintance at the platform and squeal something to the effect of, "you shouldn't have" when she saw he was bringing a cake to work. The conversation digressed into something about the weather and I was struck at how much I despise "small talk." I'm not big on chatting either. Or chatter, especially when it involves cliches.

There are just certain cliche phrases and mindless statements that set me on edge, so I've made it a practise of trying to counter them with anti-cliches. Here are just a few:

Statement: Working hard, or hardly working.
Response: Yes, kind of like your brain.

Statement: Washing your car? When you are through washing yours, you can wash mine?
Response: Sure, just toss me your keys. How much gas do you have?

Statement: Hot enough for you?
Response: No.

Statement: It could be worse.
Response: Now that you are here, it is.

Statement: This too shall pass.
Response: That's what they said when my dog swallowed my house key.

Statement: Tomorrow is another day.
Response: You said that yesterday.

Statement: When they give you lemons, make lemonade.
Response: But I'm diabetic.

Statement: I used to think it was bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man with no feet.
Response: Did you ask him if you could have his shoes?

Statement: When one door shuts, another door opens.
Response: Be sure and shut it on your way out.

Statement: Beauty is only skin deep.
Response: Have you considered dermabrasion?

Statement: When it rains, it pours.
Response: And when it snows, it's cold. Any other words of wisdom?

The list is endless, but I think you catch my drift.

Oh, and someday I'm going to buy a bouquet of flowers and when someone asks, "Are those for me," I'm going to say, yes, hand them the flowers and walk away.


Naughti Biscotti said...

This kind of talk has always irritated the hell out of me. Much the same reason I just can't bring myself to read boring blogs. I call 'em "canned conversations". I'd rather buy the cliftnotes to some of the conversations I've been a victim of.
When I've been a captive audience to over 20 minutes of this drivel... I'll throw in a F bomb just to stir things up. I feel like a honorary dentist... I can check out all their dental work as their mouths drop and hang open.
Soooo then I throw in.... "Sooo, are those all your OWN teeth?"

Time said...

Just remember, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. :)

Alex Pendragon said...

Yea, I'm opening up my locker at work and a nurse comes in with the standard, "How are you today, Michael", and I sooooo want to say, "Well, my back is killing me, my goat died, I'm late on bills, and I cant get it up are YOU doing?"

But I don't....I say, "I'm fine, and you?"

I'm such a wimp........

Naughti Biscotti said...

Tim, just remember if you can't say something nice.... don't say anything at all.

Time said...

the michael,

I don't think you are a wimp. Society isn't quite ready for us to be totally honest. But I do think you should have told her that you were okay, but Mysty, your goat died. It would have been interesting to see the reaction.

I think saying you are okay, but the day is young is better than, "Okay, for a government worker," nod, nod.


R. said...

I suspect the only one who will ask you if the flowers are for them is your wife. It seems like a harmless yet cool experiment - You should try it and report back to us.

Time said...

I have never walked down the street with flowers and not had someone ask me if they were for them and think they were the cleverest person in the world for saying that.