Thursday, November 03, 2005

Tie one on

I've had to wear a tie two days in a row now because I was sitting on an interview panel at work and it is making me more than a little cranky. I am not a tie person. Its status as a symbol of conformity doesn't rest easy with me. And besides, the damned things are like wearing a noose around your neck.

And why do we wear ties? Blame it on the Croatians. Apparently in 1635, a group of Craotian mercenaries came to Paris to give their support to King Louis XIII and Cardinal Richelieu. And the distinquishing article of clothing that made the Croats stand out amongst the usual dandies of Paris was a scarve around their neck tied in a distinctive "Croatian style" previously unknown in Europe. The fashionable expression, ’a la croate’, soon evolved into a new French word: la cravate. Thus the cravate or necktie was born.

I'm not a Croatian. I'm not in the Court of King Louis XII, yet almost four Centuries later, I'm walking around with a bit of silk around my neck like a dog on a frilly leash.

Well, this dog don't hunt, he just howls.

Other than serving as a personal garrote, the tie really serves no practical purpose than emphasizing your beer belly. And the fashion dictators add insult to injury by varying the width of the tie you should be wearing at any given time. Just before we moved in August, I must have tossed out 50 ties ranging in one to five inches in width.

I suppose wearing a tie is a right of passion all men must endure. After I graduated from clip-on's my father taught me to tie a tie. But that was only after he got tired of tying them for me and slipping them around my neck. Not that my father wore ties very often. He was a foreman in a warehouse and had the blue collar luxury of only donning the yoke of oppression for church and funerals.

But I had to go to college. Every time I think I need to look professional, I button that top button and slip the noose around my neck.

It could have been worse though. The Croatians could have thought it was cool to wear dead fish around their neck and we could have adopted that fashion. The higher you are on the food chain, the bigger fish you'd have to wear.

"Honey, have you seen my Blue Marlin?"

"It's in the closet next to the Mackeral."

Yes, there could have been worse customs we adopted from the Croatians. Though I think I would have looked pretty good wearing a Salmon.


Naughti Biscotti said...

Tim: I hate to diminish the pain and humiliation of wearing a tie. But.... please.... try slipping on consticting pair of pantyhose. Pulling them up without pushing a nail through thus causing a run immediately waisting the $5.95 you spent on them. If you do manage to get the damn things pulled up in one piece, then you have to force your hose clad feet into these tiny pointed devices of torture... balancing ourselves on insane little spikes. Don't get me started.

Time said...

You are assuming I'm not wearing a pair now :).

Alex Pendragon said...

I have a black cordorory sport coat I wear, but the hell with ties, I prefer a turtle neck shirt. As for women and their shoes, this is where the free market systems comes in.....stop buying those stupid fashion statements that destroy your feet and only buy sensible shoes. Then maybe they will start making comfortable shoes look less dull. As far as pantyhose goes, I've noticed more and more women just flat not wearing them, and theigh-highs are alot easier to manage anyway. Well, I gotta slap a talapia round the neck and head on out..........

teri said...

I don't mind wearing a tie...I think it's sexy.

Time said...

the michael,

I knew you wouldn't be tongue-tied on the subject. A talapia is an interesting choice. Exotic yet understated.

Teri, This is of course your choice and I applaud your stand against gender typecasting.

Lights, Strap on a fish and free yourself from the corporate noose. And what fish would you choose?

Lauren said...

It all just sounds fishy to me!

sorry, couldn't resist What I want to know is who the hell invented the brassiere! Talk about torture... Where could a gal live where the damned things aren't required by "polite society?"

Time said...


I'll take the bait and comment on your "fishy" remark.

I'd Google to find out who invented the bra, but the last thing I need is to lose my job because some IT guy found me doing a search for "bra" or "brassiere."

But, I'd suggest Tahiti, or St. Barts as places you could get by without them. Or we could harken back tot he 60s and start burning them again. Free yourself today and start a fire in your wastepaper basket at work.

More power to you!