Thursday, August 19, 2004

Engaging the enemy: the spam wars

I realize it isn't terribly original to respond to spammers. Some guy actually scammed a book out of his replies to spammers. But I just couldn't resist sharing my most recent experience with the ultimate in annoying spam scams.

FIRST E-MAIL, SUBJECT:Attention

Dear H****

I am Ray Morgan a Business Partner to Mr. Emmanuel H**** a national of your
country, who lived in Dubai United Arab Emirate.

Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 30th of June 2002, my client, was involved in a car accident along sagbama express road.All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost there lives.

I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits was lodged.

Particularly, where the deceased had an account valued at about 2.6 million dollars has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confisicated within the next 30 official working days.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over 2 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at 2.6 million dollars can be paid to you. If you agree we can discuss your percentage.

I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from anybreach of the law. Awaiting your response.

Best
regards, RAY mORGAN



MY FIRST RESPONSE: The insult

Dear Ray (You don’t mind if I call you Ray do you?)

Come on now, Emmanuel H****? H**** is an Irish name. If you are going to make up a name at least call him Sean H**** or Patrick H****y or Mick H****. Those are Irish names. But you are too stupid to know that aren’t you.

And why is it spammers can’t type worth crap? This is your job isn’t it? Take some pride man! If you are going to write me an obviously fraudulent letter using a hoax that’s been around as long as e-mail, at least type the damned thing nicely.

I hope your private parts, small as they are, fall off.

Sincerely, T

SECOND E-MAIL, SUBJECT: Urgent Reply Needed

Dear H****,

Thanks very much for your mail,

take note I contacted you because you have the same last name with my client mr Emmanuel H**** who is a U S citizen but have been living in Dubia for over 21 years now,

the Finance Company were this money was Deposited has informed me to look for the Relative but I cannot find them that was why I contacted you,

I am a British by birth but have been living in Dubia for over 27 years now , I and late Mr Emmanuel H**** are Business Partner for over 12 years ,

you have nothing to fear about ,and this transaction is 100% risk free,and also you have to keep it confidential ,and also this transaction required Honesty and
Truth.

Two ways of claming this money,

1) You have to come down to Dubia to sign the necessary Documents from the Finance Company and also open an Account with one of the Apex Bank here in
Dubai.

2) You can been in your Country and I will look for an Attoney here who can do every thing over here,what you have to do is to send your Account information then the money will be transfered to your Account in your home Country,

then I will fly over there for my 60% ,you will be having 40% of the total fund , I lived in Dare U A E ,I will like you to give me your number for me to communicate with you or you call me so that we talk,

am now in Africa for a Confrence 234-8033266267 or dial 011-234-8033266267 call me now so that we will discuss more.

Waiting for your fast response

Thanks
Ray Morgan.

MY SECOND RESPONSE: Okay, let's play ball

Hey Ray!

Good to hear from you. Okay, here's the plan. I'm coming
to Dubai. Here's the flight information:

Mon, Aug 30
1:15pm Depart -
Seattle/Tacoma, WA (SEA) Northwest Airlines 34
Tue, Aug 31
7:50am Arrive - Amsterdam, Netherlands
(AMS) Nonstop
Tue, Aug 31
2:20pm Depart - Amsterdam, Netherlands
(AMS) Northwest Airlines 8371 operated by KLM ROYAL
DUTCH AIRLINES
10:45pm Arrive - Dubai, United Arab Emirates
(DXB) Nonstop

Can you pick me up at the airport? I'll probably be pretty wasted after that layover in Amsterdam if you know what I mean! ;)

Anyway, after I get there and catch some zzz's we can wrap up the business at hand. In the meantime, can you spot me the cash for the ticket? It's $2795 US dollars. Maybe you could send it to me via Paypal, okay?

Oh and while I'm in Dubai, can I bunk with you? You don't know any hot
chicks, do you? Let's party and use some of that dough ray me!

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Tim


The Third E-Mail -- RE: Urgent Reply Needed

Are you ready to contacted the finance institution for the release of this money, so that I myself can fly to you there in the State. Thanks Ray Morgan.


My Reply: Can you hear me now, Ray?

Ray,

I was beginning to think that we had really made a connection. I felt we had something special and your last e-mail seemed so brusk...even distant. Have I done something wrong? Maybe you got scared when I said I'd booked a flight to Dubai to meet you. Is that it? Are you shy? Are you afraid I won't like you because you are horribly disfigured from that terrible acne you had as a kid. Don't worry. I see the inner Ray anyway. Don't reject me, because if I lose you now, I'm not sure what I'd do.

Let's just start over. I'm ready to contacted the finance instituion for the release of this money. Just say the word, Ray. But let's split it 50/50, okay. We're partners, right?

Waiting breathlessly for your reply

--T

SENSITIVE RAY REPLIES: HELLO HONEST BROTHER

Dear Honest Brother,

Thank you for your prompt response, I want you to know that I am not that worried when you say you are coming or booked for the flight coming to dubai, because for now i am not presently in dubai, I am here in one of the africa country for a conference and it Nigeria, so after that I do not know when the programme will be ending and the conference, so I think you do not have to travel for now to dubai.

I will love to meet you also, I am not scared like you want to know and not shy if you say you want to see me as who I am to be. No you have not done wrong simply that you ask me something okay, I want you to know that i am considering what I am offering you here and i do not want whereby situation I will be pay back with nothing when this money as been finaly transfer to you in the state.

I am not rejecting you okay, I am wanting you to contact the finance institution now so that you can get their email in dubai what their requesting you to bring and do for now so that we know how their are going to get this money transferred into your bank account in the state where you now.

I am giving you now the contact of the finance institution and get in touched withthem to ask them what you need to do that i Mr.Ray Morgan the business friend partner with late Mr.Emmanuel and that you are the next person to him and the relative and only brother that their where told about that will aplly in for the release and transference of the funds.

Here is the finance institution contact email address. Name Of Finance: Central Finance & Securities Limited Email Address: http://webmail.nwlink.com/src/compose.php?send_to=customerservice_cfsl%40mail2banker.com

Please send to the finance institution an email and I need you presently to provide me with you telephone number I need to call you so that we can talk better more on the telephone, it always add for me to get on internet all the time when busy. Await your soonest response after you have contacted the finance institution and response to me when you hear from them, in case their write you back okay.

Kindest Regards.

Mr. Ray Morgan.


MY FINAL REPLY: DEAR RAY

Dear Ray,

This is a very hard letter for me to write. Since I hadn't heard from you, I assumed it was over between us. I well, let me just say it, I responded to another bogus e-mail from a guy in Nigeria, maybe you know him, Barrister Ihaza Williams,the Personal Attorney to late Engineer A. H****. Anyway, one thing led to another and well, I'm taking his $12 million dollars. I'm having it transferred to that account you set up for me at Central Finance & Securities Limited. I hope you don't mind.

Anyway, I hope you don't take this personally. I know how sensitive you are. It's not you, it's me. Ihaza just has a better spam scheme than you do.

So, here's looking at you Ray. We'll always have Dubai. Good bye forever!

--T


4 comments:

shandi said...

I was curious and thought I would check out some of your earlier work. This spam war post is priceless. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it...I laughed and laughed and...well...my ass fell off and rolled across the floor, if that gives you any idea.

Aly said...

Amusing enough, but one thing bothered me... It's perfectly reasonable for someone to have a name such as Emmanuel Healy. I know a couple who gave their children Korean first names despite their clearly Italian last name. The wife is from Korea and it was important to her. So don't think you're so witty for spotting the difference in name origins when in fact you're just being ignorant. I'm not arguing that it was a fake name, simply clarifying that a name like that is not so uncommon.

Tim ID said...

Dear Aly,

It was a joke. But then again you seem to be a bit narrowminded and limited in the humor department. I realize that is a gross generalization about you based on very limited contact...but wait, that's exactly what you did when you called me ignorant. Hmmmm...

Gypsy said...

LMFAO....great comeback Tim. I think we should all start commenting from way back here. 2004 was a good year for me and I'd be happy to hang out here for a while.