Friday, December 16, 2005

Spam, I am...

As some of you know, occasionally I get pretty darned bored and engage in spam baiting with people offering me tons of cash in exchange for my bank account number. In a weak moment yesterday, I once again lapsed into that bad habit when I received the following letter (there is something about really bad spelling in a spam letter that sets me off):

Dear Friend.

As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Shadak Shari, a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E.I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer .It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business.

Though I am very rich, I wasnever generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all themoney in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I donot trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what Ihave left for them.

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit ofseven million dollars $7,000,000,that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations. I have set aside 10% for you for your time and patience.please send a reply through this email address( with your fullcontact information for more private and confidential communication.

God be with you. Shadak Shari

I dusted off my "I'm dying in Dubai" form letter and fired back this response:

Hey Shadakshadak!

Good to hear from you. I'm here for you. You can trust me (farther than you can throw me, nod, nod, nudge, nudge).

Okay, here's the plan. I'm coming to Dubai so we can divy up the cash.

Here's the flight information:
Mon, Dec. 26 1:15pm Depart - Seattle/Tacoma, WA (SEA) Northwest Airlines 34
Tue, Dec. 27 7:50am Arrive - Amsterdam, Netherlands (AMS) Nonstop
Tue, Dec. 27 2:20pm Depart - Amsterdam, Netherlands (AMS) Northwest Airlines 8371 operated by KLM ROYAL DUTCH AIRLINES
10:45pm Arrive - Dubai, United Arab Emirates (DXB) Nonstop

Can you pick me up at the airport? I'll probably be pretty wasted after that layover in Amsterdam if you know what I mean! ;)

Anyway, after I get there and catch some zzz's we can wrap up the business at hand. In the meantime, can you spot me the cash for the ticket? It's $2795 US dollars. Maybe you could send it to me via Paypal, okay? Oh and while I'm in Dubai, can I bunk with you? You don't know any hot chicks, do you? Let's party and use some of that dough ray me for charity (did I tell you my middle name is Charity)!

Looking forward to hearing from you!
And as usual the fish took the bait:

Dear Timatao:

Thanks for your mail and i really appreciate your concern toward my llife. in my last mail to you i introduced myself and gave you a summary of the present predicament I have found myself and how i lived my life financial-wise).my failing health has necessitated my present over view of life and the meaning of life itself as it relates to day-to-day living. Even surgery which is a last resort has been done but the cancer has already spread into the stomach and intestines. if you would like, I can send you some personal photos in my next mail so that you can see my situation i not send you check at this moment.The consignment is in Amsterdam.

I hope my first mail did not embarrass you? if it did, I apologies for this. The fund in questions is privately kept and I wanted to put it in capable hands for disbursement. The $7 million dollars is physical cash in $100 dollar bills packed inside two metallic trunk boxes deposited in the security vault of a private finance/security company in The Netherlands.

If you would be able to help me fulfill this last living request, I would need you to get back to me on the following issues,

1.That you are in a position to be trusted with such a large amount of fund, and that you have a heart for charity and thus would not have any problems locating the right charity and human aid groups to disburse the fund to. it would be nice to know what charities you have in mind to donate the money to.
2. That you are ready to contact my lawyer in Europe who will finalize the process for this transaction, send you all relevant deposit documents as well as send you the necessary authorization document to retrieve the deposit on my behalf and disburse the fund.
3. That you are willing to contact the security company holding the deposit to discuss the terms of releasing the trunk boxes and bear the expenses that would be involved so the deposit can be released to you.
4. That you fully understand this transaction up to this stage and you are ready to proceed under these terms.

Thanks for sending your full contact details as I requested. I shall be sending your contact details to my lawyer just incase we reach and accord to precede. I await your response to the issues raised here.

I await further communication.


Shadak Shari

So, now I begin reeling in Shadak:

Dear Shadak...or can I just call you Shad? Are you a hanging Shad or a dimpled one? Ha, Ha, Ha...

You sound really sick. It definitely has affected your ability to spell and apparently to read. And boy do you have a buttload of e-mail addresses for a guy in a hospital.

Couple of questions:

Are these personal photos you have offered to send me photos of your wife :)

Just kidding, Shad, but seriously I've purchased my airplane ticket on good faith that the money will be waiting in Amsterdam as you have promised. Anything you want me to pick up while I am there? Do you collect snow globes? Or maybe I can get you a shot glass. Those are always pretty neat. My mother collected those stupid spoons. Dumb things. They were too small to eat with.

But back to the money for CHARITY (nod, nod, wink, wink). I want you to know that I'm like the dollar bill. In Timatao you can trust. I will give that $7 million to charity quicker than you can say lickety split. Go ahead, say it, I'll wait.....see, I've already picked a charity. It's call M.O.M. Fortunately, she...I mean they, accept large amounts of cash in metallic trunk boxes.

Speaking of these boxes, do you think they will fit in the overhead bin or will I need to check them. I hate checking luggage. All of those baggage handlers are thieves. And don't get me started about the security people. When I get to Dubai I'll tell you a few strip search stories that will curl your hair.

You never let me know whether or not it is cool if I stay at your place while I'm there. I figured you would be in the hospital anyway. I could water your plants. Oh, does Dubai have a Hooters? I love their wings. I could get some to go and drop them by for you. With the cancer and all you don't need to watch your weight, now do you?

Anyway, I'm marking off the days on my calendar until we meet. This is so cool. I've never been to Dubai, or Amsterdam. So, let's get er done as the rednecks say.

Hey, I just thought of something. Do you by any chance know Winston Magui? Maybe he could join us in Dubai. I'll ask him to bring Cocoa. The dude has tons of the stuff.

Live long and prosper,


I'll let you know if Shad replies.


Time said...

I do not like Spam,
I do not like it, Lights I am.

And thanks, I workout.

Alex Pendragon said...

OMFG! Just when I think you couldn't have made me laugh any harder, you go and do this! You are EVIL, you know that?

You should keep this up and accumulate a collection of "you screwing with con-artists" adventures to publish as a book. I know a publisher who has made several good writers millionaires already. He trusts my judgement explicitely and I know I could get you a handsome contract. I would need an advance deposit for my agents fee, of course, which I would reduce in your case, being such a trusted friend, to say, no more than perhaps $995....please contact me whenever you have gathered your materials and you wish to get rich........your closest, dearest friend.......

Time said...

Dang, Michael, that sounds like a sweet deal. What say you and mean go to Dubai together and hang with Shad? You like buffalo wings don't you?