Monday, May 01, 2006

I'm no angel

To work it out I let them in
All the good guys and the bad guys that I've been
All the devils that disturbed me and the angels that defeated them somehow
Come together in me now
--"Phantom's Theme", Phantom of the Paradise, Paul

No, it isn't going to be angel week at Dizgraceland. After Wild West Week bombed, I'm kind of down on theme weeks (not down with, either). So expect a week of random things (more random than normal).

But back to angels. What are they? By definition, they are god's messengers. My mother used to tell me they were god's thoughts being sent to man. But I still have lots of questions about them.

Lot's of the angels have masculine names, but why do you rarely see a male angel? When you do see a painting of one, they are all pasty faced and never have beards. What is that all about? Isn't Jesus always depicted with a beard (except in the manger)? Is there alot of waxing and shaving going on in heaven?

And how do you get to be an angel? Apparently there is a whole intricate hierarchy involved in the angel world. Depending upon who you talk to, angels are divided up into these categories --

First Hierarchy: Seraphim, Cherubim, Thrones or Ophanim
Second Hierarchy: Principalities, Virtues, Powers
Third Hierarchy: Dominions, Archangels, Angels

The Saraphim are the highest order of angels. They apparently get to sit around god's throne singing his praises all of the time (sort of like Bush's cabinet members). Apparently Satan was once a Saraphim, but he wanted to sing solo and was booted from heaven.

We hear alot about archangels, but apparently they are just god's bureaucrats dealing with earthly matters. The pope has identified seven of them: Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel, Simiel, Orifiel, and Zachariel.

The lowest angels are called simply, "angels" (as in Charlie's Angels). They are the ones who have to deal directly with people (kind of like god's customer service representatives).

I've never been much on clubs or structure, so being an angel doesn't sound like my cup of tea. And apparently hell has it's hierarchy of devils as well. They are all fallen angels and have names. The fallen seraphim are Lucifer (the head cheese), Beelzebub (his second in command), Leviathan (he came along for the ride), Asmodeus, Abaddon, Samael, and Semyazza.

The fallen cherubim are Balberith (the leader of the fallen cherubim), Azazel, Lauviah, Marou, and Salikotal. The fallen thrones are Astaroth, Verrine, Gressil, Sonneillon, Focalor, Forneas, Murmur (he's hard to understand), Nelchael, Pruflas and Raum. The fallen powers are Carreau and Carnivean. The fallen dominions are Oeillet and Rosier. Verrier is the only fallen principality. Finally we have the fallen virtue, Belial; the fallen archangel, Olivier and a fallen angel, Iuvart.

This is another reason why I'll never be an angel or a devil. My name is too short. The Archangel Tim just sounds stupid. And apparently you have to have a name that sounds like you are clearing your throat to be a devil or demon.

So bottomline, I'll never be an angel. But it would be cool to have wings.


Naughti Biscotti said...

I never thought of the heirarchy of angels the way you described it. It all finally made perfect sense.

If I were an angel, I would be one of the civil service varieties. Fallen angels who decided hell wasn't all it was cracked up to be and wanted to return to the working world of heavenly angels, singing God's praises and whatnot... I would point out all their good qualities to "The Guy in Charge". (Considering they were willing to pass on the benefit package untill after your typical probationary period or course).

Time said...

Shandi, I never even knew there was a heirarchy of angels until I wrote this post. But I am glad to see you are thinking like a good government worker and ready to bring order to heaven (as long as the angels fill out the proper forms).

Alex Pendragon said...

Tim, you are the very first person I have encountered that will admit to having ever seen that movie, which I, being the twisted person with questionable tastes that I am, really enjoyed.

And yes, you have outed me, and I must ask you never to speak of this again, for I am on vacation, and I don't need the forces of evil screwing around with me while I'm trying to get in some quality R&R. Armeggedon is still just a few (censored) away and I have to rest up for it, since I will play a major role in opening up that ultimate can of whoop-ass.

Time said...

THE Michael, my archangel friend, I love Phantom of the Paradise, and have the soundtrack. I've always been a sucker for films about underdogs and unrequited love. Enjoy your vacation, your secret is safe with me and the other 4 people who read this blog.

Time said...

Cherish! Welcome Back! I was afraid you had left the blog world for good.

Time said...

Lights, I still haven't figured out how to deal with the groundswell of popularity that is sweeping over me. I promise you one thing, though, it won't go to my head (which is generally Photoshopped elsewhere anyway).