Wednesday, August 16, 2006

No the now

You can say what you want about Mel Gibson the man and his momentary lack of judgement when he was pulled over for allegedly overindulging, but Mel Gibson the actor was pretty darned cool in Braveheart. I don't know what it was, but when I first saw that movie, I just wanted to put on a kilt, paint my face blue and go throw a sword at the English.

Fortunately I don't act on all of my impulses (unless I have allegedly overindulged...but just that once). The authorities aren't very forgiving when it comes to running around in a kilt with your face painted blue brandishing a sword and screaming, "Freedom!"

It's not that I'm even Scottish (though I'm sure my mutt blood contains some Scottish roots down there somewhere). It was just the whole fight for your honor against injustice thing that got to me. That and being able to strut around babbling in a Scottish accent and sounding cool even when you were just asking for directions.

American accents suck. We always sound like we are constipated (unless you stem from the deep south and then you just sound like you are constipated on qualudes). I remember walking on the streets of London years ago and having people stop me to ask directions. The minute I opened my mouth they'd look so crestfallen and say, "Oh, you're American" and walk off.

I played the pauper in a play version of the "Prince and the Pauper" when I was in sixth grade. I got the part because I did a pretty good British accent (for a 12-year old that is). "Tom Canty if it pluleez you sir." The student teacher, Sue Leigh I believe her name was, thought I was brilliant. The rest of the kids just used it as one more excuse to put me in a trash can at recess.

But I digress.

What we lack in our lives are the fictional values portrayed in Braveheart to fight for a cause that isn't sanctioned by a commercial that ends with a politician stating, "I approve of this message." We lack the opportunity to meet on a battlefield in a large pasture or park and whale the tar out of each other with pointed sticks, swords, knives and arrows. We also lack the opportunity to lift up our kilts and wag our private parts and behinds at our enemies in a derogatory manner. If only this was a custom that we could use in business meetings today:


Introductions: Wag private parts at our opponents (5 minutes)

Item one: Throw large broadsword into center of room (1 minute)

Item two: Shoot arrows at each other (5 minutes)

Item three: Charge each other with swords and sharp sticks.

Item four: Ride horses at the people on foot and slash them with swords and
sharp sticks.

Item five: Run away.

Conclusion: Questions and clean up dead bodies.

I can tell you I would look forward to business meetings alot more if this was the agenda.

Oh well, no the now.
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